


Signed, Dan Howell

by SimplyUndead



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Normal High School, Gay, High School, Insecure Dan, Journal, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Punk Phil, but only by 2 years, dan has a journal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 12:07:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 17,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5539403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyUndead/pseuds/SimplyUndead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell is your average 15-year-old boy. He likes video games and the internet, music and the way soft things feel against his skin. He likes his family and he likes his friends. He, however, does NOT like writing in the journal that was gifted to him on Christmas. Though, little did he know, that very thing would bring him the greatest gift he could ever ask for; a boy with ocean blue eyes and midnight black hair by the name of Phil Lester.</p><p>!! Currently on hiatus, but just for a couple of months at the most !!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 26 December, 2015

**Author's Note:**

> well howdy there partner how's the crops a-tendin'?
> 
> (im kind of southern and this offends me)
> 
> ALRIGHT  
> *clears throat*  
> some of y'all might be here cause you're from my other story  
> some of y'all might be here just cause you found it  
> either way i really hope you like it
> 
> disclaimer: the chapters are seriously short, like they probably won't exceed 600 words (except on rare occasions), but this is the intentional style and because of this, updates should be quick and frequent (unless i have to space something bc i need to post at certain time for a holiday)
> 
> that's all now have at it

26 December, 2015

I refuse to start this off with 'Dear Diary.' I just won't do it. And you can't make me because you're a stupid notebook.

Today's the day after Christmas and I received this journal thing from my great aunt Susan in the mail a few days ago. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a girl because first, she got me a diary, and second, she phoned mum and asked if 'Danielle' liked the present.

I was just gonna regift this to my younger sister, Abigail, because she likes to draw and stuff, but mum said that was rude to Aunt Susan even if she'd never remember she even got me this (since she couldn't even remember I was a boy). She's old, but mum says she still has feelings and I need to be thankful for what's been given to me.

I'm always thankful when family members who can't even remember my gender get me a diary.

Super thankful.

Anyway, mum says that because this was a present, I need to actually use it. So, I'm stuck writing in this dumb diary until I find a way to accidentally lose/break/set it on fire.

Right, so, might as well tell you a bit about myself even though you're just a book and you couldn't give a damn.

My name is Dan, not than you can address me or anything, that is, unless this is Tom Riddle's diary, but it's not, so. I'm 15 years old. I have brown hair and brown eyes, I'm quite plain and boring, but at least I'm more interesting than a blank book. I like video games and the internet and warm things like blankets, coffee, pillows, sweaters, and I do not like diaries that your great aunt Susan gives you because she thinks you're a girl.

I'm only doing this because mum is forcing me.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

 

( other story:  [Shut Your Mouth and Listen Closely](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5132549/chapters/11810471) )


	2. 31 December, 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all like it bc you guys seem to so far which makes me happy

31 December, 2015

I'm still not starting this off with "Dear Diary." It's not happening.

It's New Year's Eve and in about a half hour it'll be 2016. For some odd reason I'm really tired, but I promised my sister that we could stay up for the countdown on television. 

Honestly, I don't like New Year's holiday. Christmas was just a week ago and I'm still trying to come down from that high and I don't see why we go straight into celebrating another holiday. You don't even get a bit of normalcy to build the excitement. 

Here I am, spending a whole month getting thrilled for Christmas and once it's over, I don't even have time to get pumped for the next holiday because it's literally seven days away. 

And then I struggle for the next two months trying to remember the year and wasting the eraser off of every pencil I own on the date alone.

Then you have to make some silly resolution that you're going to end up breaking within the first two weeks of the January, but you still make them.

And I still don't like having to write in this stupid journal all the time. After last entry, I came to the conclusion that I just wasn't going to do it, but mum asked me at breakfast this morning and I panicked and told her that I'd written in it a few times. And knowing my luck, she'd check and see and not only would I have to write in this, but I'd be grounded or something.

Well, Abigail is in here now and talking about how she will never get a kiss for the new year. It's sad that she's only ten and society is already lowering her self-esteem. Hell, I haven't even gotten a kiss ever and I'm five years older than her. I'll probably end up kissing her cheek or something. I hate seeing her upset.

Anyway, my resolution for the new year is to spit in Great Aunt Susan's food the next time we have a family reunion.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys have had a good 2015 even though it sucked.
> 
> tell me your thoughts and stuff I guess.
> 
> Much love and a happy new year.


	3. 4 January, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lol who else keeps writing 2015 on everything??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hate school, man. Going back sucks.

4 January, 2016

I went back to school today as it's the end of Christmas holiday. How depressing.

I wrote the wrong year on every single work sheet today. Oh, the new year spirit.

School sucks, you know? I always start to think that maybe it isn't so bad once we're on holiday because 1) I'm not actually going and, 2) every family member asks how school is and you always have to say "oh, it's fine" and you say that so much you kind of start believing it.

And then holiday is over and that lie that you've been holding onto the whole time off finally disappears and is replaced with the cold, hard truth. School sucks.

But, at least I'm not completely friendless or I'd probably die. I have a few classes with my friends, Chris and PJ, but only the core content classes. The electives I am in are all senior classes. Senior Art, Senior Music, and then I have Senior English instead of Sophomore English. 

It kind of sucks because I don't have any friends and I also feel intimidated by the older kids, but I try to keep my head down and focus on my work.

That was going well, actually, because no one even paid attention to my existence, but then some new kid sat down beside me in art. There were other empty desks besides the one next to me, so I don't know why he chose that seat.

He was kind of weird, really. He greeted me in a weird singing voice, which he claimed to be his impression of Adele singing "Hello." Then he told me a random fact about a porcupine.

The whole encounter was really odd and I sort of feel like he was making fun of me in some way.

All I know is that his name is Phil and he has really black hair and really blue eyes and I hate writing in this because my hand is cramping and I'm tired because I had to get up early for school and I hope great aunt Susan stubs her toe.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh, when writing this I use my opinions and feelings sometimes so this is very therapeutic but also productive bc I then get to update. NOICE. (Is that how you use that? Idek.)
> 
> Anyway, if y'all went back to school like I did, then I'm praying for you because seriously. 
> 
> Hope you've liked this update and be sure to tell me what you think (because my name's blurry face and I care what you think)
> 
> Much love, darlings! :*


	4. 6 January, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It won't be slow forever I swear but here's phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, yo, yo. Enjoy bc I don't have much to say. I appreciate all you guys though! Thanks for the comments. (:

I've come to accept the fact that I'm stuck writing in this stupid journal. I guess it's really not so bad even though it sucks. I mean, who wants to spend every night writing about their days that they wish to forget? Certainly not Dan Howell, I don't know about you.

Today, like many others, was boring and not worth recounting. I woke up. I went to school. I attended my classes and spent the entire day refraining from homicide and/or suicide due to the stupidity around me. You know, the usual.

I hung out with Chris and PJ at lunch and talked casually in a few classes. And then, for some odd reason, that new kid - Phil or whatever - talked to me. It was really weird because he actually seemed to enjoy engaging into conversation with me, which is super odd.

You see, no one really talks to me because I don't really have any friends. Yeah, there's Chris and PJ, but we've known each other since we were little and I highly doubt that they'd choose to befriend me if we just met recently. They're stuck with me.

But, Phil, he just started talking to me. And I really didn't know what to do because I'm terribly afraid that this is all some prank. Talk to the outcast kid and make him think someone actually wants him only to take away every shred of confidence that you've built up. Sure fire way to climb the ladder of highschool hierarchy. 

He seems so genuine though, but I guess even a murderer knows to get close before slitting your throat. I'm being cautious and not letting the attention effect me.

Phil is really nice and we have a few things in common. He likes Fall Out Boy, Muse, and My Chemical Romance. He watches anime, too. 

I'm really trying not to get my hopes up because he'll probably be tired of me in a week. He doesn't seem like the person to stick with people, but that's probably a bit stereotypical of me. Just because he dresses kind of punk, all black with a floppy fringe and ear studs, doesn't mean anything. He is kind of intimidating, though, because  I just like sweaters and skinny jeans and I'm two grades below him. I guess I seem really fragile and easy to break. Which is probably true.

I'm going to go now because I'm thinking myself into a sad mood. And I really don't have the energy to be sad right now.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love y'all! 
> 
> <3 
> 
> comments are nice


	5. 8 January, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tbh dan is sometimes emotional

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO YO YO I GOT A NEW PUPPY AND HE'S ASLEEP ON ME RN 
> 
> he's a mix between a pug and lhaso apso and he's the cutest thing and I named him Frodo like from lord of the ring bc I am TRASH

8 January, 2016

You know that feeling when you just really want to be alone? Well, you don't because technically, I'm writing to a journal, but you're here for me to tell my feelings. I think, anyway. I'm not sure how this works, but at least I can write how I feel and not be judged or analyzed.

I digress. So, sometimes I really feel like being alone because it takes so much effort to be a human and interact in social conversations with other humans. Like, sometimes, I don't even feel normal, in the way that I can just converse and say the right things. It's like, I'm so wrapped in my thoughts that actually speaking becomes unnatural and I don't know how to correctly reply to others. Here's an example.

Random friend: did you watch the new episode of *insert random television show here*? 

They're super excited and yeah, you watched it and you were really shocked because *insert random main character here* went into a coma or something. You care, but you can't get out that you care. 

Me: oh, uh, yeah. I saw it.

Random friend: Can you believe what happened?

Me: No, uh, you know. It was... *stutters endlessly while mumbling until they walk away because you seem distant and also like a prick*

Like, you care, but your emotions are just being a dick and you physically can't show that you care. Then you get stressed and frustrated because you feel like this but you can't actually explain to anyone just how exactly you are feeling but EVERYONE keeps asking and then they get angry at you because you're being rude but you're not even meaning to because you can't even help it and you just really need to be alone because you're upsetting everyone and then it ends up upsetting you and now you feel fucked in the head AND sad.

That's how I've felt all day. And this feeling causes problems. Here are a few.

1) You have even less motivation than usual. Like, you feel that you need a ten hour nap just to get out of bed.

2) You push everyone away whether you mean to or not.

3) People think you're a dick, but really your brain is just not functioning correctly.

4) Everyone asks what's wrong but nothing actually happened to make you feel this way, you just do, and you can't actually describe how you're feeling because you don't know. This leads to #3.

There are more, but these are the main disadvantages. I usually try to nicely excuse myself to a quiet, empty place whenever I'm around people, but you just can't do that at school. So, unfortunately, I probably seemed like a dick to Phil in all of our shared classes. 

Actually, I just got back from hanging with Chris and PJ and I tried to get out of it because I felt like this, but they wouldn't have it and I ended up unintentionally ruining the whole night with my mood, but I just couldn't help it.

I'm going to sleep now because writing about this makes me feel crazy. Like, I-need-to-be-emitted-into-an-insane-aslyum type of crazy. 

Do you even say goodbye to a journal?

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yiggity yoo do y'all ever feel like this too?
> 
> is it only me?
> 
> oh it is only me okay wow awkward XD
> 
> love y'all :**
> 
> Signed,   
> Simply Undead
> 
>  
> 
> (OMG INCEPTION)


	6. 9 January, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short but then again every chapter is short so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im updating because Netflix won't load and I can't continue to binge watch Parks and Rec. 
> 
> read this while i sulk bc im not watching Chris Pratt
> 
> *sob*
> 
> CHRISP RATT

9 January, 2016

It's Saturday and I haven't done a single thing unless you count the walking from the refrigerator to my bed and back. Writing is the most I've done all day. 

Good thing I didn't make exercising my resolution.

I would write more, but I'm honestly too lazy. 

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i have nothing to say but for some reason i think the note boxes are obligatory even though they're completely option
> 
> hi
> 
> bye
> 
> much love and see y'all soon


	7. 11 January, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot to update oh goodness I'm sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw shout out to @ChatterNoMatter bc it's her birthday (you're really rad and I love reading your comments :*) hope your birthday was rad 
> 
> EVERYONE ENJOY

11 January, 2016

It's Monday and I wouldn't expect anything less for today's events.

It's a proven fact that Monday's are the worst days of the week, but the universe must have really felt like fucking me over today because I had the worst possible Monday in existence.

You know those days where you just wake up irritated at the world and want nothing more than to sleep? That was today, but of course I couldn't stay home because according to mum nothing was actually wrong with me and I just needed to fix my attitude.

Parents just don't understand sometimes. If I have a kid and they have days like this, I'll just crawl into the bed with them.

But, I digress, I was in a pissy mood all day and ended up forgetting my homework for English on my desk at home, not to mention being late to school because of traffic. And so, because of all this, the teacher decided to call me out and give me detention in front of all the seniors, which had them snickering and muttering things along the lines of 'stupid sophmore.' 

I could feel a fire on my cheeks and I wanted nothing more than for the ground to break open and swallow me whole. That would've been less embarrassing.

Thankfully, that Phil kid, who I share all my senior classes with, stuck up for me by calling Mr. Burnett out on being so rude to everyone -namely, me- and that landed him a detention as well. 

Maybe he really does want to be friends, but he probably just wanted to make a scene. I'm pretty sure he likes attention. After all, he does dress in a way that makes him stand out in a crowd, unlike me, as I stick with the grays and other background colors.

We didn't really talk much in detention, as the teacher was there the whole time. He sat a few seats away, too, which made it harder to converse. 

When it was time to leave, I mumbled a small "thank you" to him because no matter how much I didn't want him to assume I thought he did it for me, my polite side won over and you know what he said?

He looked me square in the eyes, a smirk on his mouth, pulling the single silver lip ring sideways, and he said, "for what?" He then winked at me and left, leaving me standing dumbfounded and blushing.

What did he mean? Did he pull that stunt for me or not? And what the hell was the wink all about?

Look at me, asking a journal for answers? 

Pathetic.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhh
> 
> ;)
> 
> much love and don't forget to comment!


	8. 16 January, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is longer than most so yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be uploaded 5ever ago but I was sick and then it snowed so I don't have school, and that's when I write. I woke up this morning and slapped this together because I felt bad for not updating.
> 
>  
> 
> Not even gonna lie I actually like this chapter yolo

16 January, 2016

It's Saturday now and I'm thankful. School has really tired me out. With all the school work, early hours, and then Phil, it was hard not to be stressed. Especially with the weird signals Phil was sending.

I decided that I needed a break, both mentally and physically and that leads to why I have Abigail screeching in my room for me to finish getting ready so we can leave for the cinema. 

I guess I had better go so we don't miss whatever movie she had picked. 

I feel like this entry is way too short and I honestly don't know why I've even started to care. But, I suppose I'll write more when I get back home or something. Maybe.

Later, bitches.

***

(I just drew three asterisks and now I'm tired of writing lol)

We just got back from the movies and I gotta admit, I didn't even pay attention. Abigail liked it, which means it should be pretty good because she's a movie snob. 

You see, I fully intended to let myself take a break from the real world and immerse myself into the fictional movie, but a certain Phil fucking Lester happened itch his way under my skin and into my brain just minutes before the movie.

I was in the snack line, already having purchased tickets, and was deciding on whether to get popcorn and skittles or popcorn and malteasers. Skittles are Abigail's favorite, and the latter mine (I ended up getting both because yolo). 

Anyway, I had just got our snacks and turned around to meet Abi by the bathroom when I ran straight into Phil. Of course, he recognized me; how could he not? 

He looked down at me and smirked and you know what he fucking said?

"If you wanted me to notice you, all you had to do was day hello." 

What the hell? It's like he gets off on my embarrassment.

I ended up stuttering that it was an accident for all of two minutes while he bent down to get that packages of candy I had dropped. He handed them to me and he purposely held my hand for thirty seconds afterward.

Then he popped a few pieces of popcorn in his mouth and chewed them. He swallowed and licked his lips, his tongue darting out against that damned lip ring.

"So, what are are you seeing?" He asked me casually, as if the whole affairs hadn't just happened. And of course I couldn't fucking remember the film we were seeing, despite the tickets in my hand that told me. I ended up shrugged and mumbling.

"I don't even know. Whatever my little sister picked." I said. He nodded. "What are you seeing?"

Now, I was just making casual conversation, right? Just small talk to he polite and show interest, as my dear mum had taught me.

"I don't know yet. Whatever I can sneak into." He said with a wink, grinning at me wildly as he walked off. I stared after him and blinked like an idiot until Abi came and found me.

"Who was that? With the tattoos and all the black?" She had asked, pulling at my shirt and taking the candy and drink from my crowded arms.

"Oh. Him? He's, uh... He's just someone from school. Phil is his name." I told her and she nodded. We walked to the ticket booth, giving the toll guy our tickets and then we walked the hall to our theater room.

We sat down and got all of our snacks settled and then Abigail turned to me again.

"So, this Phil guy, yeah? He looks tall. Is he older than you?" She asked. I nodded.

"He's a senior." 

"Oh. I figured." She said. And I just left it at that because talking about Phil was not part of my ideal conversational topics. I'm still about 70% sure that he's still trying to trick me or play me or something.

"I think he likes you." Abi randomly said. And she never really elaborated because the movie started on the screen and when I tried to ask her what she meant, she shushed me.

So, naturally I sat there with all of these questions muddling my brain and I couldn't even enjoy a stupid child film because Phil Lester with his stupid black hair and his stupid tattoos and his even more stupid blue eyes and his damn lip ring was stuck in my head.

So, yeah, he fucking sucks.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, tell me what you think because this story doesn't get much comments or anything, which is fine, I still like writing it. Its just nice to know what y'all think.
> 
> Much love!


	9. 29 January, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy late birthday to our dearest Philip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually like this sue me

29 January, 2016

After the cinema fiasco, things had went on pretty much as normal. Phil has talked to me occasionally, but I guess he hadn't had enough time to actually terrorize me. It was appreciated, honestly.

But, as they say, all good things must come to an end. And it damn well did.

So, it's Friday and all was going well until Art class. We were assigned to do a portrait of our table partner. And guess who just so happened to be my partner? Bloody Phil Lester, that's who.

The whole while when we were supposed to be doing the outlines and such, Phil just wouldn't shut his mouth. He didn't even start on the project, claiming that he'd just do it later. 

I, however, being the smart one, actually worked on the drawing, though that proved to be hard with how distracting Phil could be. 

Let me just list some of the things he said to me.

"I bet you're just using this assignment as an excuse to stare at me."

"Maybe we could do a full body portrait sometime."

"You know, ignoring me only further proves how much you're liking this. I mean, you're not denying it."

And other stupid taunts that I can't even remember. I honestly tried my hardest to stay calm and be polite, but along with his bloody flirting or whatever the hell that was, he was also moving and looking around, which caused this...

"Could you just sit still for one damn minute?!"

It's not like I meant to sound so harsh, he was just being so irritating that I couldn't deal. Brought it on himself, really.

"Mm, feisty." He said and looked at me. And at that moment, I had almost wished I hadn't said anything because his staring gave off such an intensity that it made me squirm.

"I just need to see your eyes for a bit and then you can go on." I explained quietly without reaching his gaze, making myself seem weak and inferior, which, to be honest, I fucking am.

I guess he seemed to sense my discomfort or irritation because he backed off and smiled.

"Yeah, sure, take your time."

I was appreciative, albeit it didn't last very long because I was staring into his eyes, totally for the assignment. I was trying to find the exact color and where exactly to put the flecks of light glinting off them, but I think I ended up looking too long because I have a fucking staring problem and forgot that it's not acceptable to just stare. 

And we were pretty close honestly because I had to see up close and I could feel his breath hitting my lips and I didn't even care that he was annoying because holy shit his eyes are gorgeous.

From a distance, you see them and you're like, "oh, cool, blue eyes," but then you get really close and you notice that they're actually a swirl of light blue and gray and hazel and even a little bit of green and they're amazing. Not to mention the thick, brown lashes encasing them. They were so long that I'm pretty sure they touched his skin when he blinked. Actually, I'm sure they did.

But, all too soon I was pulled from my trance by non other than Phil Lester himself, owner of the gorgeous eyes.

"Uh, Dan...?" He whispered, our faces incredibly close. If I had stuck my tongue out, I could've licked him. 

I backed away quickly, no doubt a look of shock on my face because God knows that's what I felt.

My reply was not smooth, if it ever was. It was laced with stutters and pauses and shifty eyes, fake coughs and tapping fingers. Anything and everything to make me seem on edge and small and awkward, which I was.

"Your eyes are pretty." I had said after a few unsettling minutes, as if that was even near appropriate, which it wasn't. I was an embarrassing fool of a boy with no intent on getting any better.

What happened next was nothing to ease the painfully unpleasant silence that loomed over us. Phil, who seemed naturally effortless in the way of words, was speechless. 

There was a curt nod before a shrill bell and the scraping of chairs on tile.

And that's why Phil Lester sucks because not only does he taunt and embarrass me, he makes it all the more easy for me to do it to myself.

I'm tired of explaining why I'm a fail at life.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, that was that. 
> 
> you guys seem to be liking this and that's super cool. keep the reviews coming!
> 
> much love, pancakes (im really craving pancakes)


	10. 30 January, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its been too long and i apologize but I haven't found much time to write

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey a big thanks for sticking with this and putting up with my updating patters :D 
> 
> you guys are great and ily <3
> 
> this is short but really just a filler and something important is actually going to happen next chapter ;)

30 January, 2016

Saturday night. Two of my favorite words, along with music, food, and anime. 

I'm writing this because my eyes are tired after the last four hours of scrolling through tumblr.

As I have nothing to write about, I suppose I'll pick up where I left off yesterday.

Obviously I didn't go to school, but I spent some of my day working on that sketch of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (and I'll have you know, that You-Know-Who is far worse that Voldemort). 

Anyway, the sketching was kind of hard because I - thankfully - didn't have Phil by my side. But it proved to be challenging because I couldn't remember exact details of his face and I couldn't live with myself if I just randomly filled in features, even if I am drawing Phil. He is my subject to paint and I can't let him or, more importantly, myself down. Or the teacher, as she was doing the grading.

I realize at this point that it seems like I genuinely hate Phil Lester, and that's far from it. I do not hate anyone, mostly because I spend the majority of my life avoiding all types of conflict.

I just don't like him very much, is all. And I think that we could've been good friends, possibly, because we seemingly share interests and he seems like a rather cool person, with his liking of anime, art, and various bands that I too like. 

And while all this stands, I still can't fucking stand him. Mostly because of the way he holds himself. He has little respect for anyone and he cares about nothing. He puts up this front of irritating childish behavior and taunts everyone.

Despite this, he also intimidates me and that infuriates me because I'm pretty sure that he knows this, and he uses it to get further under my skin and pester me and he fucking knows that I'm too shy and scared to do anything about it, so he uses it to his advantage.

He makes my heart race with anxiety and my limbs shake with nerves. And he laps it up.

So, no, I don't hate him, but I damn well don't love him and I doubt that'll ever change.

I'm going back to tumblr because at least then I don't have to think.

Signed,   
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for reading and I hope you guys are liking this ((: much love
> 
> now im gonna go find some food because its 4pm and all ive had today is two pancakes
> 
> im very healthy, obviously 
> 
> HAVE A GOOD DAY :D
> 
> gooooooodbye


	11. 1 February, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DAMN DANIEL BACK AT IT WITH THE WHITE VANS
> 
>  
> 
> am i sorry for that?
> 
> um no bc i love it thank you very much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I had this written like a week ago sorry  
> 2\. It's getting better, guys. More stuff is happening.  
> 3\. I also just updated my other story (Shut Your Mouth and Listen Closely) so if you read that, there you go, and if you don't, there you go #SPON  
> 4\. LOVE YOURSELF BY JUSTIN BIEBER IS SO GOOD AND IM NOT REALLY A FAN BC I ONLY LIKE THIS SONG (and also What Do You Mean?) SO DONT JUDGE AND GO LISTEN IF YOU HAVEN'T THANKS

1 February, 2016

I just returned from school and I think it's saying something that I came straight here. Maybe I don't hate this as much as I originally thought.

I feel a bit like Anne Frank, if I'm being honestly. Minus Hitler and the Nazis and all things Holocaust, of course.

Anyway, they say that great things happen when you least expect it. I think that's a lie. I've never had something wonderful just happen to me before. Terrible things happen, though. They happen all the time.

I walked into school this morning with that stupid sketch thing in my hand. I was going to the art room to drop it off because it was too big to fit in my backpack and it wasn't going to be crumpled and tore on my watch.

Anyway, I had turned a corner and was so wrapped in my thoughts, as usual, that I ran right into someone. A And because the universe hates me, it was, of course, Phil Lester (aka blue eyes; aka He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named that is Actually-Far-Worse-Than-Voldemort).

He mumbled a barely audible apology before looking down. Once he saw it was me, he totally stopped and formed a smirk. Naturally, right? 

He grabbed my arm and pulled me aside, getting us out of the line of traffic. Once we were tucked away beside a set of lockers, he grinned at me, his hand still wrapped firmly around my bicep. 

I wiggled until he let go because his touch made me uneasy. 

"Actually, since it's you, I'm not sorry." He said, referring to earlier. I rolled my eyes at him and sent a less-than-impressed look. It's Monday and I didn't have time for his shit.

"Don't give me that look." He had said and he had the kind of assertiveness that intimidated me. So, of course, being the wimp I am, I listened and wiped the look from face, sucking in my lip nervously. And he smirked at me because of it!

But, the closer I had looked, the more I noticed that it wasn't his usual smirk. Yes, it was that arrogant one, but it held something else. Maybe dominance. I don't even know. And his eyes looked different as well. Not that usual cold, icy stare, but one that glinted with something. Maybe, happiness. 

I don't know, exactly. I'm not an optometrist, so I can't tell for sure what he's got going on in there.

Anyway, he started talking about something about the drawing at stuff for art, but I was accidentally too caught up in my mind that I only got the last bit of what he said.

"... Only got a bit of the sketching done. Couldn't see your face or anything, so."

And let me tell you, its hard to reply when you don't have a clue what's being said.

"Oh... Yeah. Me, too. Same." I lied, sucking air through my teeth and bouncing nervously on the balls of my feet. Phil gave me a funny look, but a stupid smile tugged at his lips and it wasn't one of his usual douche-bag smiles, but one that seemed genuine and contagious, bringing some stupid grim to my face as well.

"Do you even have a clue as to what I just said?" He asked, chuckling a little bit as a blush painted my cheeks.

"Honestly... No." I said sheepishly, fiddling with my sleeves in my hands. His smile grew and he shook his head, which naturally caused my smile to grow, my dimple showing.

"Oh... Oh, my god, Dan! You've got a dimple." He said and pushed his finger into my cheek. I giggled like a little fucking girl, but I didn't even care at the moment because I felt happy. Which is a weird feeling. Like, your chest feels light and not weighed down with all the stress and sadness and tour heart feels fluttery and your stomach is bubbly, but the good kind.

It was nice.

"I've never seen it before." He said and I nodded, not really knowing what to say. It's not like I can say, 'oh, that's because you normally make my life a living hell, but you're actually acting averagely pleasant' because that's just rude.

"Probably because I never see you smile." He observed and I just shrugged, beginning to rock back and forth again.

"Well, I should probably go..." I had said because I was starting to feel uncomfortable like the little bitch I am, but I kind of regret it now because for the first time in my time of knowing Phil, he actually seemed pleasant and likeable and hell, I did like it. I actually enjoyed myself while talking to him and even though I left, I wanted to continue talking to him.

Wow.

What the fuck?

There's no way that I actually like Phil. I mean, he sucks and he's rude and intimidating, but today he nice and funny and likeable. 

Shit, this is part of his plan, I bet. Act like a dick, so I don't like him. Then act super cool, so I do like him. And now he's gonna have me going crazy with my thoughts because I bet that he knows that I spend too much time in my mind.

Dammit, what the hell have I gotten myself into?

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so tired  
> updating tires me out sometimes bc I stress over this story and my other one and then I go through and reply to everyone (which I love so I ain't complaining) and then I sit here and uplaod all this crap and it takes up longer than you'd think. I don't just paste it in the box and post it. Nah. There's more and idk I love it so much but I get so nervous about people's reactions and its midnight and I'm too tired to be nervous but here I am
> 
> honestly, though, I love doing this so much so it's fine. I'm gonna go play that Kendall & Kylie Jenner game though because don't let anyone fool you, it's actually fun yolo
> 
> Much love and tell me what you think :*


	12. 2 February, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took me 6 hours to actually update my stories. everything was written, but I'd reply to a few comments and then get tired bc I'm v tired and I'd take a 2 hour a break by watching Parks and Rec.
> 
> lmao that's my life
> 
> that's it

2 February, 2016

Today was an okay day, as far as Tuesdays go. It started out pretty bland, really, with the usual stupid classwork. But, boy, did it get interesting real quick.

I had been walking to the cafeteria for lunch and I was actually dreading it because school food is very low class and everyone is very loud, so if the food doesn't give you a stomachache, all the constant chatter and crowded area will.

But, a glorious angel - or rather, a sinful demon - grabbed me by the arm and pulled me backwards. At that point, I was certain that I was about to get my ass handed to me or something, but then we stopped and I noticed it was Phil, which didn't reassure me at all.

I still felt kind of awkward considering I'd just formed a crush or whatever on him yesterday, but I was more so just intimidated and nervous to be around him. Especially now that everyone had gone to lunch, leaving us alone.

"Where are you going?" He had asked me and I knitted my eyebrows together because I thought it was pretty obvious.

"Lunch?" I asked him in return because he was being pretty stupid, honestly. It's lunch period, so naturally.

"In the cafeteria?" He asked again, and apparently he's writing a book with all these questions.

"Obviously, yeah. That's where they serve food." I said and, damn, did it feel good to be sassy. Especially to him.

"Don't give me that tone." He had said and he was actually glaring at me, which made me think that he wasn't joking. And when Phil Lester is being stern and assertive, it's actually scary.

"Sorry." I mumbled, looking down at my feet. I was constantly worried that he would hurt me or something. I mean, he's never actually harmed me in any physical way, but he's older and taller and kind of a badass and I'm younger and smaller and very weak, and also kind of a wimp. 

Plus, he usually irritates me and stuff and can be a dick when he wants, so it's hard not to be intimidated.

"Whatever." He said, and this time I could hear a laugh behind his voice so I guess he found my submissiveness funny. I'll basically do anything, though, to avoid any type of conflict. "Anyway, you should come with me instead."

Honestly, it didn't sound like an offer so much as an order, so I shrugged and asked where. It's not like he would've murdered me and even if that was his plan, it surely would've happened at some point.

"McDonald's." Phil answered and my mouth started watering at that. It's not high class food, but it sure beats school food any day.

"Are we allowed to go off campus for lunch?" I asked. I always eat lunch with Chris and PJ, and we never go anywhere.

"I don't know." Phil shrugged, already walking to the exit. I struggled to keep up with his long strides, but I managed. He looked back at me. "Why? Is that a problem?"

"No." I said. And maybe that was lie. If my parents found out that I'd left the school, even just for lunch, without permission, I'd be grounded so fast it'd make my head spin. Especially since it was with an older boy

But, maybe I had a death wish, or some sick desperation to look cool in front of Phil, even though I'm so not cool.

"Okay, then." He said and even in front of me, I could tell he was smirking. I could hear it. Douchebaggery radiated off of him and ignorance off of me, so together we ended up sitting in a booth at the closest McDonald's.

I'd ordered a Happy Meal because the toy was a pocket-sized stuffed animal and even though I knew I was going to get made fun of by Phil, - which I had - it was worth it. He'd gotten a BigMac, in all his manliness, and we shared a large fry.

"Why'd you even invite me?" I asked after politely swallowing my mouthful of chicken nugget. 

Phil shrugged, not really answering, but replied with a question of his own, "Why'd you agree to it?"

I was a bit irritated that he didn't answer because I was actually curious. It's not like we were good friends. He taunts me and teases me, and it wasn't until yesterday that we'd had our first actual conversation, and that only happened because we had been paired for that project in Senior Art. But, I guess that's Phil fucking Lester for you.

I smiled despite this because I intended on having a good time.

"You want to know the honest truth?"

"You came for the free food?" He asked, his own smile painting his lips and tugging his lip ring. I blushed, kind of embarrassed that he actually knew.

"I came for the free food." I repeated, giggling a little bit because I'm a little bitch like that.

"I figured." He said, laughing a little himself, but it seemed forced, and that made me feel bad. I don't know why, but it did. I mean, if he wasn't such a dick all the time, then maybe that wouldn't have been the truth, but he is and it was.

He were quiet for a moment and I was staring at him because, seriously, I have a fucking problem, but he seemed very calm, and it was as if I was looking at him for the first time. The real Phil Lester, not the fuckboy persona he put up for the world to see.

But, that was short lived because he opened his mouth.

"You know," he started, a smirk already growing on his face. "If you really only came for the free food, then I'd be happy to let you eat some of my meat."

Exit real person Phil, enter douchebag of the century.

"Yeah, no thank you. This," I said, gesturing toward my chicken nuggets and fries. "Is more pleasing to the palate."

Phil snorted and I felt pretty pleased with myself for that one, causing myself to laugh as well.

"Sure." Phil said, eating a fry for himself. "For now, anyway."

We ended up talking for a bit longer before deciding to get back to school, but I realized that I actually really do like Phil. Especially when he's not being a dick or a fuckboy.

And there's something about how he scares me that also excites me. I don't think he'll ever hurt me, and I don't want him to, but having him show his assertiveness and confidence makes my heart race.

But, I don't know if anything good would even come of this.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read my other story, Shut Your Mouth and Listen Closely (you should if you don't #spon), I posted over there and it got pretty emo in the end notes
> 
> hope this was viewer-worthy  
> probably not  
> oh well I just hit the post button  
> wait n-
> 
> much love :*


	13. 6 February, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay so i think i have a new updating schedule for this story
> 
> every tuesday and thursday
> 
> sound good? yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read my other story, I was planning on updating today but then I caught the flu and got an ear infection to go along with it so between fevers of 105.4 and cold baths to break it, I haven't had much time to write. Luckily, I had this chapter written earlier and could update it now.
> 
>  
> 
> I feel like I'm dying goodbye

6 February, 2016

I went to PJ's house last night for a sleepover and Chris came as well. We mostly played video games and ate sweets, and that was pretty fun, but something had been weighing me down all week, so much so that I couldn't properly enjoy myself, and I needed their advice.

And I hate talking about my feelings to people because I feel like they're going to analyze me or judge me, which will make them hate me and then everything is a mess because I'll be sad and lonely.

"Can I talk to you guys about something?" I had asked them and so they paused the game and looked at me. 

I usually feel like a nuisance to them, and I still did, but I was glad to be to let everything out. 

I then explained everything about Phil and possible feelings and how I wasn't even sure about my sexuality in general. I was very nervous while talking about this and I felt like throwing up. I ended up wishing that hadn't even said anything, but that was just because attention makes me antsy.

I really sound like a fucking pansy.

Chris said that I might be gay or bi or maybe even pan, and that it was okay no matter what, but he seemed to have concerns about Phil. And so did PJ.

"I mean, he's older, and even if only by a couple years, he's still more experienced." PJ had said, and it was nothing that I hadn't already thought about.

"What if he's just using you to get in your pants? It's not that you're not lovable, but I've seen the guy and he doesn't act like the nicest person." Chris told me, and then I started feeling really worried that it was the case.

"I mean, I don't even think he likes me, but I think I like him and I don't know what to do." I sighed to them. They nodded and we talked more about it.

We came to the conclusion that I should just take it slow and think about my feelings before jumping to something. And while I was glad to have talked them, I didn't feel any better about the situation.

I don't even think that I like boys because I've never liked anyone besides Phil and I haven't liked any girls either, and I don't think you can decide just because you have possible feelings for one person.

I'm so confused with everything, though, that I just want to crawl in my bed and never be apart of society ever again.

Thinking about this is causing unwanted anxiety and I think I'm going to cry at any minute.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh, i really don't like this chapter
> 
>  
> 
> sorryyyyyyy
> 
> ily  
> later skaters


	14. 8 February, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hate this  
> Why do all of these chapters suck?  
> Why am I am horrible person?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few things
> 
> 1\. I AM BETTER. I had the flu recently and while I'm still really weak and tired, I am better. And it was awful, tbh.  
> 2\. I was going to update this on Tuesday and then I forgot that it was Tuesday and then it was Wednesday and I was like "oh well, onto tomorrow" so its here now  
> 3\. I WILL BE UPDATING MY OTHER STORY OVER THE WEEKEND (hopefully) BUT I'VE BEEN SWAMPED WITH HOMEWORK AND TESTS WHERE I'VE MISSED SO MUCH SCHOOL AND IM IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING A CHAPTER BUT ITS PRETTY LENGTHY (ISH) AND IM BUSY  
> 4\. im sorry for everything idek

8 February, 2016

I've spent the majority of the weekend and most of today at school thinking about Phil. I couldn't get him out of my head and while it was very annoying, it wasn't like I could particularly distract myself because everything kept going right back to him.

I've come to the conclusion, however. that I actually like him. It's just a small crush, I guess. 

Like, he can be a fucking douche a lot of the time and it sucks to be around that, but I'm super fucking whiny just as much, so I don't really think I can complain all too much, but I do and I will continue to do so because I am super. Fucking. Whiny.

But, yeah, sometimes I don't like Phil's attitude, but lately he's been nicer around me. More pleasant to be around, anyway, and we have a few things in common.

Even while this is an understanding, I still don't know what to do about it.

Tell him? Hell no. He probably doesn't even like me.

Wait for him to say something to me? Hell no. He probably doesn't even like me.

I don't know what to do and I feel like this shouldn't be as stressful as it is, but I'm getting really frustrated and I'm just gonna stop writing now. 

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ily  
> have a good day  
> comment maybe if you want  
> :*


	15. 10 February, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> people are dickbags and dan is a precious babycake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost deleted my only copy of this chapter but wattpad's undo button came in clutch
> 
> bless the wattpaf mobile app bc that's where my writing happens and I don't even publish stuff on there, but the app is *fire emoji*

10 February, 2016

Today was the absolute worst day of my life and I'm fucking pissed at the world.

First, I must have accidentally put this stupid journal thing in my backpack and I had pulled it out to put it in my locker between classes and some dickbag named Logan came by and ripped it out of my hand.

I'm pretty sure he's a senior because I think he's in my Senior English class, but he'd never talked to me. I guess he found out that I was a sophomore or maybe he felt the compelling urge to make my life a living hell. Maybe Phil sent him. I don't fucking know.

But he grabbed my journal and read through it and once he found out it was a journal, he started laughing and showing everyone. 

He was like, "The little girl has a diary!" And "This emo faggot writes all about his feelings, look!"

And I kept trying to jump up and get it and I was yelling for him to give it back to me, but he wouldn't and he started reading the damn pages out loud! He found the pages where I talked about Phil and he thought they were gold.

Now everyone fucking knows that I like Phil and yeah, yeah, at least I don't have to worry about telling him now, but I didn't fucking want him to know! I'd decided that I would just let it pass, but that plan just got fucking blown out of the water.

He finally gave it back after he'd read everything and he wasn't nice about it. He threw the journal at my head and then pushed me into the lockers.

I didn't see Phil for the rest of the day because after I got my notebook back, I left. I walked right out of the damn school and went to park, which is where I'm at now.

There are multiple types of douchebags. You've got Phil, who irritates and teases you, and sometimes frustrates you, but he's just conceded and kind of a fuckboy. But, even though he can, he wouldn't just hurt you because he wanted to.

He'd have to have an awful good reason to harm someone. At least, I think that's how he is. He wouldn't just torment someone, physically or emotionally, just because.

But, then you've got dickbags like Logan, who are so horrible that they just randomly push you down and call you mean things, but they don't even know your first name.

I don't want to go back to school tomorrow. I don't want to face everyone because they'll all make fun of me. They were laughing at me as I ran out of the building and I don't know how Phil will react.

People are awful. This notebook is awful. Life is awful. 

Actually, I'm just going to throw this damned book away when I get home. It hasn't brought anything good except for frustration and humiliation.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically stuff has been happening in my life and it hasn't been all too good but if you read my other story then you probably know and if you don't, im sorry but im too lazy (and sad) to retype everything
> 
> so much love my people 
> 
> and also im really sorry but do you think this story sucks bc at first I was so excited for it and now I feel like it sucks so bad  
> like not interesting one bit and overall useless   
> idk friends idk


	16. 11 February, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who is back from the dead
> 
>  
> 
> me  
> its me

11 February, 2016

My plan to throw this journal away was destroyed once mum found it in the bin in my room. She got it out, and thankfully didn't read anything, and sat it on my desk. 

She also fussed at me for a few minutes about "respecting my things" and "appreciating what I have" and she even started fussing about great aunt Helen and it took everything in me not to lose it right there.

But, I stayed calm and apologized and after another ten minutes of thinking, I realized that even though this stupid journal sucks sometimes, it helps me clear my head and it never actually caused any problems.

It was my fault for taking it to school and it was Logan's fault for being the biggest bag of dicks the universe has ever seen and it's everyone else's fault for following his footsteps and laughing at me as well.

Luckily, though, I stayed home today because I felt sick. Mum believed me, anyway, and it's not like I was lying to her. I've got this awful churning in my stomach and even though it's actually just nerves, I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I might be able to ride with this icky stomach tomorrow and then get by through the weekend. 

Monday will be absolute hell, but right now I've got Tumblr and Netflix and a secret hideaway in my duvet, keeping me away from the rest of the world.

And that's nice.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its so nice to be posting again. I have a lot of chapters already written for this story, and honestly, its so nice to be invlolved in a story again.


	17. 14 February, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I have over 10 chapters prewritten but I'm terrible at updating 
> 
> oh well   
> this story is progressing some and will progress a lot over the next few chapters

14 February, 2016

I faked being sick Friday and most of the weekend in hopes that I could milk getting out of school even longer, but Sunday rolled around and mum was sure I was dying and making plans to take me to the doctor. I couldn't risk the chance of getting in trouble with my mum and having her find out about school or even some of the entries in this journal, so I begged just to take a shower and see if I started feelings better.

I think I deserve an Oscar for my A+ acting skills at both faking sick and recovering at a believable place. 

Mum was so happy for me that she cooked my favorite meal. I feel like shit - for real now.

I don't want to face everyone tomorrow. They know I'm gay - which, admittedly, probably wasn't that hard to figure out. I look like a fairy in my sweaters and skinny jeans. But worse than that, everyone and their mother knows I like Phil, including Phil!

He's going to make fun of me. Or beat me up. Probably both. He's probably not even gay. He's going to kick me in the face with his scary combat boots.

Just when he was starting to be a decent human being to me, too.

I fuck everything up.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayeee if you're reading this, tell me how you feel about this story
> 
>  
> 
> x


	18. 15 February, 2016

15 February, 2016

I'm such a fucking pansy. I am literally the embodiment of a wimp and I'll never grow out of it.

I walked to my first senior class of the day: English. It sucks, just like every other class, but possibly worse. Always worse.

Logan was in there and so was Phil. Everybody in the entire school knows about my journal and I will not make the mistake of bringing it to school again.

I could handle being laughed at and talked about, it happened anyway. But Logan just made me feel so small and worthless, throwing words like faggot, fairy, and fruit loop at me. It's not like he's the brightest crayon in the box and he doesn't have an extensive vocabulary, but the venom and disgust he used in his words were enough to make me want to cry.

But I had enough dignity left not to do that.

Then Phil walked in and slid into the chair next to me. He was silent for a moment, long enough for me to pray that he'd forgotten or he possibly hadn't heard, but then he looked at me with a smirk and my hopes went to shit.

"So, I have extremely nice eyes, huh?" He had said to me. I knew what he was talking about. I knew full well exactly what he was talking about, but I'd had enough and at that moment, I'd be damned if I was going to agree with him.

"I've never said that," and it technically wasn't a lie because I have never said out loud that Phil Lester has nice eyes.

"No?" He asked and his fucking smirk could kill. "You just wrote a whole page about it then?"

"You shouldn't believe everything that you hear," I told him and I'm not sure how I made my voice hold the bitterness that it contained. I sounded tough and confident, like I could fight him, but on the inside (and on the outside) I was shaking because he knew. He knew everything, the whole truth, and he could beat me up. He could break my arms easily.

"So, you don't like me, then?" Phil asked me and I stared at him, dumbstruck. I couldn't lie to him, and I knew that. I was already humiliated and embarrassed, but I wasn't going to be a liar. And what would've the point have been anyway? He knew the truth. Everybody did.

I didn't think and I don't know why I had made such a rash decision when I could've just thought. I had time to think things through, but instead, like the wimp I am, I ran. I stood up quickly, grabbed my books and ran out of the classroom all the way home.

My parents are at work and my sister is at school and now I'm alone. I'm humiliated, embarrassed, and alone.

And everybody knows, too. Every single person at school knows that Dan Howell is gay, crushing on a badass senior that could break his legs, and a pansy. 

I hate to be dramatic and say that my life is over, but my life is literally over. My mum will force me to go to school tomorrow and then Phil Lester will see me and murder me. He will slaughter me for having a crush on him. He will slaughter me for being a wimp. He will slaughter me for being weaker than he is.

Natural selection at its finest.

This is probably my last journal entry.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayee (: whatcha thinkin' so far?


	19. 15 February, 2016 - a few hours later

15 February, 2016 - a few hours later

It's only been a few hours since I ran home and the realization that I have to face everyone, especially Phil, tomorrow has set in.

PJ and Chris have both texted me, asking me all about what happened with Logan and why I ran off today. I lied and told them I felt sick. That wasn't a lie. Technically.

Then PJ texted me that he totally gave Phil my number because apparently he was asking for it. I basically told him that he made the biggest mistake ever. He was ruining the little time I had left of my life. He said that he didn't understand, but I couldn't be bothered to explain.

I waited uneasily until a text came through at about the time that I would normally be getting home. It was from an unknown number and it simply said, "10pm at the park near the school."

I left the message on read because honestly what could I have possibly said to make any of this better? I'm guessing that the message was from Phil, who was planning to murder me a day earlier than I expected. Or maybe just beat me up until I didn't like him anymore.

I'll probably sneak out tonight and meet this mystery message man because 1) if it is Phil, I don't need him angrier at me and 2) he might be nicer about murdering me if he's not raging anymore than he already is. 

Maybe death won't be so bad. Logan will feel sorry for what he's done and I won't feel anything at all; no more humiliation or shame or embarrassment.

My mum says I'm dramatic, but I think that I disagree.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm debating on spam posting all of the chapters I have written so far. We'll see.
> 
> What do you think is going to happen to little Danny?


	20. 16 February, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy February

16 February, 2016

I brought my journal to school today. I'm actually writing in at this moment in my art class because I've finished the assignment and I have nothing to do.

Phil is copying off my worksheet because he couldn't be bothered to do it and I know that he should have to do it himself, but it's not a very important work sheet. Just definitions and book work.

Things are looking up for me, actually. I haven't written about last night yet and it's not something I want to forget.

Last night I was really nervous about meeting up with the person who sent me that message, and I was even more nervous that it wouldn't be Phil.

Fortunately it was him and not a serial killer. It was dark outside and we met under a lamppost near the playground. He looked dangerous dressed in all black, blending in with the night, barely visible without the street light.

"Daniel Howell," he had said as I walked up to him. I was shaking and he could tell, but he smiled gently and raised his hands as a way to show he was unarmed and not going to hurt me. I let out a shaky breath, but I was still cautious.

"You asked to meet up with me?" I had asked hesitantly. What could he possibly want other than to hurt me?

"You didn't answer my question this morning," he said casually with a shrug. He had pulled a cigarette out of his jacket and lit up. I didn't know that he smoked. "Do you like me, or not?"

He sucked a drag through his teeth and then exhaled the smoke from his lungs. It danced around like ballerinas in the dim light, hitting me in the face. I tried to cover it up, but I couldn't help but cough and gag a bit. Phil chuckled at me.

"So, what's the answer?" He asked. I shrugged and stuffed my hands into my pockets.

"Haven't you heard what everyone is saying?" I asked him so I didn't have to admit it. Why was he humiliating me? It wasn't my fault that he's fucking gorgeous.

"I'd prefer to hear it from your own mouth. I want the truth, and since it has to do with me, I think I'm allowed to know," he said and he seemed stern in his words. I was worried he was becoming angry with me and he'd soon start to get physical.

"Fine, okay," I had said, my breathing becoming rapid. I was on edge and ready to flee if needed. "Yes, I like you."

I remember time stopping and the Earth standing still. It felt like eons before anything happened, but when it did, I couldn't breathe.

Phil leaned down and kissed me in the most infatuating, breathtaking kind of way. He'd pulled away long before I had time to start kissing him back.

He said, "I like you, too, pretty boy," and I basically died. The blush that spread across my face couldn't be stopped no matter how hard I tried.

That was my first kiss. And I don't think I'll ever regret it.

I asked him, "what does this mean?" because I didn't know if he meant that liked me as in he wanted to be a couple of he liked me in the sense that he wanted a quick fuck.

"Well, I was hoping you'd maybe want to be my boyfriend," he said with a shrug and I'll never understand how he was so casual and indifferent about the whole ordeal while I was as giddy as a little school girl.

"Obviously," I said, trying to sound as cool as Phil did, but my voice cracked and I blushed even more. He laughed and pulled me in for a other kiss.

It was nice like that. Kissing under a lamppost late at night with no one around and the taste of cigarettes on his lips.

I pulled away and after catching my breath, I grinned and said, "You do have extremely nice eyes, by the way,"

He laughed and walked me home and he even helped me sneak back in through the window that I'd climbed out of. I felt extremely badass, maybe even as cool as Phil Lester.

No one can make fun of me for having a crush on the badboy of the school now because I'm the one that gets to kiss him whenever I want.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aye we're getting somewhere 
> 
> also pls comment I sound desperate bc I am


	21. 19 February, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im either ready for snow or ready for summer but i kind of hate this pointless cold

19 February, 2016

I haven't been writing in this journal for a few days because I suddenly got a life. School has been kind of busy, but more than that, I've been kind of busy with Phil. We've been meeting up at the park every evening since Monday because my parents don't know I'm gay and I don't know how'd they feel about it.

Phil is really understanding, though, but I feel bad for keeping us a secret from my family.

I'm sure I'll tell them soon, when the time is right, but for now, he's my dirty little secret and I can't help but feel so badass.

Phil is supposed to take me bowling tonight and then he'll drop me off at Chris's house where I'll spend the night with him and Peej. The only reason why my mum is letting me go is because she thinks I'm walking right to Chris's house, but I'm just walking a block away and then Phil is going to pick me up in his car.

I'm debating on whether or not to pull out my secret pink jumper for our date. It's knitted and loose, but you can kind of see skin the through small holes. It's probably my favorite jumper that I own, but I'm too scared to wear it. No one, not even my family, knows that I bought it and my parents would surely be able to figure out that I'm gay if I go parading around in a bubblegum pink jumper.

I'm not sure why I bought it anyway since I'm too worried about everyone's opinion, but I remember seeing it in a store and thinking it was cute. And then I tried it on and I felt pretty for the first time in my life, so I made a rash decision and spent all of my birthday money to buy it.

I think I might wear it for Phil. Maybe he'll think I'm pretty.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember to comment and tell me your thoughts (: <3


	22. 21 February, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy valentines day to all  
> I spent yesterday evening with my friends from drama for galentines day and it was lit

21 February, 2016

It's Sunday today, and now that I have long enough to write, I'm sitting at the desk in my room. 

So much happened this weekend that it's hard to recount all of the little details. 

Phil picked me up on Friday and it was freezing. It was a mistake to wear my pink jumper for the simple fact that I was chattering with the cold by the time I got in his car. Phil stared at me for the longest time (though, probably only a few seconds) in a way where I couldn't tell what he was thinking. I was worried that I'd messed up in trying to dress special because he hated it. I care too much about what other people think.

Finally, he grinned and told me, "Daniel Howell, you look absolutely gorgeous. Why haven't I ever seen this before?" he was feeling the knit fabric with his fingers.

I shrugged nervously and mumbled that I was too nervous to wear it, but I wanted to look pretty for our date. Phil just smirked, shook his head at me in loving kind of way, and kissed me gingerly. I'll never get over the feeling of his lips.

I let the heat from the vents warm me up until we got to the bowling alley. It was oddly cold in the building. I'm pretty sure they had the air conditioning on and my sweater really wasn't cutting it. 

Phil noticed though and shrugged off his leather jacket. He offered it to me but I shook my head, telling him that he'd be cold. He said that he was naturally hot, so he didn't mind and I stared laughing because obviously.

He said, "What? What's funny?" and I just told him that it was nothing, but then he insisted, so I said, "Well, you're naturally hot,"

He kissed me then and we bowled and ate dinner together at the bowling alley. Pizza had never tasted so good.

After we finished and it was dark outside, Phil drove me to Chris's house and they immediately asked me so many questions. You and Phil are dating? What's he like? Why are you wearing his jacket? I answered all of them, of course.

Yes. He's really nice to me and he's funny and I definitely like him. He gave it to me because I was cold.

They didn't question me about my pink sweater, which felt really good, actually. It was natural to them. Or they just didn't care, but either way, it made me happy.

After I finished telling them all about my date, we had a really fun time of playing video games and then pulling out Monopoly. I lost and got kind of upset, but then when I stopped pouting, we watched a scary movie on Chris's laptop. 

We ended up going to sleep all huddled up with the lights on so we could see the monsters if they came, but it was still a really fun night.

I actually felt like part of the group, and I like it.

Phil just texted me, so I'm going to end this here.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he wore the pink sweater   
> my heart is happy
> 
> comment friends


	23. 22 February, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow smut warning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this forever ago and when I went to upload it I just realized how slutty it is
> 
> mmm must've been in a whorey mood

22 February, 2016

I'm officially a badass. That's a bit far, but a rule breaker, at least.

Phil finally broke me down and convinced me to skip class with him, which meant us making out in a janitor's closest for an hour.

Despite feeling corrupted, I actually loved it. It was so fun to just say "fuck it" to my maths class. It was also fun to kiss Phil.

I never understood the hype about kissing boys, but now that I do, I don't want to stop. Phil is really touchy, too, and I think that adds to my liking of it. His hands kept running up down my body, spreading a fever across my skin with every fire-like touch of his fingertips.

It made my whole body hot and bothered and left me craving more. I was too nervous to really touch him, I had just left my hands resting at the nape of his neck. I would occasionally twirl his hair when he made me feel especially good.

Phil would also explore with his tongue, which I initially worried would be gross, but it felt nice. He seemed to like biting a little bit, too. It didn't hurt or anything because he was really soft, but he would take my bottom lip between his teeth. And I can't lie, I like when he would do that, too.

He told me that my excitement was cute, and by excitement, he was referring to the hard on in my pants. I was embarrassed that he knew, but then he smiled and pressed his hips to mine, and when I could feel his too, I felt a little better.

Well, a lot better, actually, because he started moving our hips together. No one had ever touched me like that, even though he wasn't touching me with his hands. I really liked it and I kind of couldn't stop rutting against him. I don't think he really minded, though.

The bell rang before we could actually get off, and he offered for us to finish at his house, but it was one thing to skip a class, not a whole day. I declined with a small kiss and went to the bathroom to calm down.

I'm kind of scared to have sex with him. Not really him, just in general. I don't think I'm ready. I don't want anything to hurt and I don't know how Phil will treat me afterwards.

I just need time to be sure I'm ready and I think that Phil will give me all that I need.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment please


	24. 24 February, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> school assignments

24 February, 2016

Today has been a good today. I'm home from school with a huge assignment. Unlike most, I'm actually excited and interested in this. It may possibly be because of the fact that our teacher let us pick our partners and I have Music with Phil, so of course I picked him.

The assignment is pretty cool, too. We have to cover a song, instrumentally and vocally, or we could compose an instrumental/write a song for bonus points. I'm no good at writing lyrics, but I do like messing around with different chords and combining pieces on the piano.

I actually told Phil that I could play, and he thought it was really cool. He asked me to play something on the keyboard in our classroom. I was too embarrassed with everyone watching, but Phil was so excited that I couldn't possibly say no to him. I just played some Beethoven, but he acted like I was some prodigy.

It was cute, though, and the longer I played, the more fun I had with it. Everyone went really quiet and stared at me, which made me remember that I was in a class surrounded by upperclassmen, none of which were my friends. I got up quickly and went to my seat. 

The teacher praised me, but I could only concentrate on everyone's eyes. Phil came to my rescue and distracted me from everyone, which I was extremely thankful for.

I don't know why I always do stupid stuff like that. I hate drawing attention to myself, but I still seem to do it for some reason.

I don't know if I want to perform an original piece because I don't want everyone to think I'm bragging, but I definitely do not want to sing in front of everyone. 

Phil can play guitar, but he said he couldn't sing a note, so that's out of the question.

We have a week and a half to come up with something.

I'm going to invite him over to work on this.

It's kind of silly because Phil is my boyfriend, but I feel like a little schoolgirl asking my crush to sit with me at lunch. Tbh, there's not much of a difference.

Signed,   
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone is reading this, tell me your thoughts? 
> 
> much love x


	25. 2 March, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hold you in my arms  
> i just wanted to hold  
> you in my arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowowowowowow

2 March, 2016

The past week has been unbelievably busy. Phil has been over almost everyday to work on our project and on the days he couldn't come over, we worked over Skype. 

I asked if I could just go to his but he said I wasn't allowed because his mum didn't come home from work until late and we couldn't be alone. I don't know if his mum told him that or not but it's not like he's one to care about breaking rules. 

It worried me that maybe something was going on with him, but he seemed fine and I didn't push it. 

My mum said he was nice but neither her or my dad really tried to meet him; they just left us to our work. 

Surprisingly, we didn't spend too much time kissing. We actually worked really hard on our assignment and today, I could tell that it paid off.

We had to perform our song in class and I was so nervous. I've been anxious all week, so much so that I felt like I was going to be sick last night. Phil had to stay late after practice to calm me down. We picked out my outfit together which was a dark blue jumper with small silver stars embroidered all over the fabric and some light skinny jeans which I wore today.

We look kind of space-themed because Phil was also wearing a galaxy t-shirt but that's what we were going for because we decided to perform Starlight by Muse, our favorite band.

I thought I was going to faint while walking up to the front of class because I was so nervous, but Phil grabbed my hand to steady me. 

It's not like the class even cared all too much, but it was the fact that I had to sing in front of everyone and I had only practiced the piano bits on my keyboard at home and I knew it would sound different on the grand piano in our class. 

I sat down on the bench while Phil plugged his electric guitar into an amp and readied himself beside me so I could see him if I turned my head. 

I set the sheet music in front of me and put another sheet on a stand in front of Phil. The teacher asked us about our choice and I let Phil talk while I focused on my breathing. He told us to begin when we were ready so I waited for Phil to start.

He mumbled some encouraging words to me but I couldn't focus on what he was saying so finally I just nodded and he began strumming. About ten seconds later I started tapping on piano keys and then a few seconds after that I started singing.

I tried to focus on keeping my pitch right because in the end, that's all the teacher was grading us on, not how well our voices sounded.

After about a verse I got more comfortable and looked up. Everyone was staring which made my heart rate skyrocket, so I turned and looked at Phil.

He grinned at me and I had never felt more alive. I stared at him while singing and he stared back and it was so intense that I don't really remember finishing the song. 

The only thing I can remember is the last time I sang the words "I'll never let you go, if you promise not to fade away, never fade away" and it felt like there was a balloon in my chest that was expanding and threatening to explode and I don't know if it was my anxiety or the way he was looking at me and the way I was looking back.

We finished in a blur and I could barely hear the applause over my heartbeat and everything seemed foggy, but I could see the students smiling and the teacher smiling and telling us something and more importantly, I could see Phil smiling and even though his guitar was in his hand I jumped into his chest and wrapped my arms around his neck. I could feel him laughing against my body and I could feel the tears streaming down my face but I wasn't sad. 

All day I have felt giddy and happy and my stomach has flipped when I think about those moments. I've been smiling since I got home and my sister actually asked me if something was wrong.

I think I'm in love with Phil Lester.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any opportunity i have to incorporate muse into anything is an opportunity i must take because i love muse with every part of my soul (that would die just to feel alive)
> 
>  
> 
> please tell me ur opinion


	26. 4 March, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a needed filler

4 March, 2016

I got home from school today, ready for a weekend of nothing but trash food and Internet, but my parents had a different idea. After my dad took Abby to a sleepover at her friend's house, my mum called me downstairs for a "family meeting."

They were seated at the kitchen table beside each other and motioned for me to sit in front of them. By that point, I was extremely nervous and trying to remember any wrong deed I had possibly committed in the past seven years.

"Daniel, Dan the man, Danny," my dad said, nervously. I just kind of squinted my eyes at him and looked at Mum.

"Daniel, there's really no easy way to say this," she started, which only made me more confused. I opened my mouth to ask if a family member had passed away, but then my father began.

"And, son, we're not assuming that you are, we're not saying that," he said.

"No, we're not, but if you are, it's fine," my mum said and I was so confused that I just said, "What."

"Honey, your father and I think you might be gay," my mother said bluntly. I stared in shock, not really knowing what to say.

"Before you say anything, Dan, we just want to tell you that you don't have to tell us if you don't want to. But, if you are gay, or you think you might be gay, then it's okay." Dad said. I kind of felt like crying because I've always worried about their opinion on the matter, but I kept my composure. 

"It really doesn't matter to us who you like as long as they treat you right," my must said. They were both waiting for my reaction, but I didn't know what to say. Ever since I first began questioning my straightness, I had dreamed of coming out to my family one random day while my mum was washing dishes and my dad was checking emails at the island bar and Abby was just around the corner in the living room with her dolls and my mum would cry and dad would hug me and it wouldn't matter to Abby because she wouldn't understand. I never really wanted it like this.

"What? Why? What?" I fumbled my words for a few seconds before just trailing off. "Why would you think..."

"We've just noticed that you've been dressing diffently, which doesn't necessarily mean anything, but we've also seen the way you look at boys and how you never seem interested in girls."

I didn't see any reason to lie because my coming-out-dream would never have the same effect, but I didn't want to lie to them.

"I think I am, yeah," I said simply with a smile and even though it wasn't a random afternoon and Mum wasn't washing dishes and Dad wasn't checking emails and Abby wasn't home, my mum cried and my dad hugged me and they both said they were happy for me and I felt good. I hugged them back and cried a little bit and thanked them.

Now I'm eating trash food and messing about the Internet and writing this down because I never want to forget the 4th of March.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment, loves <3


	27. 5 March, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is filler ×10 but oh boy the next chapter is so extra and so cute and so extra cute that it's okay because you will be glad i promise

5 March, 2016

Tomorrow I am going to Phil's house and spending the night because we don't have school on Monday and he invited me over. I told my mum I was going to Chris's house and just to be sure, I told Chris to cover for me if needed.

I hate sneaking around behind my family's back, but I don't know how they would feel about my boyfriend being older.

He said his mum wouldn't be home, which kind of makes me nervous because I really don't want to have sex yet. I just want to have a nice, domestic night with him. Maybe we can cook together or watch movies.

I don't know what he's planning, which makes me nervous because I don't really like surprises, but I don't think he's going to force anything upon me. 

Despite being really anxious, I am very excited. I never get to spend a lot of time with Phil outside of school, and I think this will help us grow closer. 

I kind of want to get him a small gift because we didn't do anything for Valentine's day since we got together right afterwards, and we weren't even friends when it was his birthday. 

Maybe I can just pop by the store and pick up a cute picture frame and print out a nice photo from my phone.

I'm really happy right now and I know my happiness shouldn't depend on a relationship, but I feel good and if that's because of Phil, then I'm okay with it.

Signed,   
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are like food - amazing, tasty, and essential to my survival


	28. 7 March, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you are bright and everlasting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's almost st patrick's day  
> does anyone actually celebrate because i don't but have a good day

7 March, 2016

I've just got home from Phil's and this was easily the best day of my life.

I packed my overnight bag early yesterday morning, just to be sure that I had everything and was well prepared. Then, around lunchtime I told Mum I was heading into town to buy some supplies from the shop - which wasn't a lie - and then going to Chris's house - which was.

I walked to the nearest bus stop, got on the bus, and rode it to the bus stop closest to the shops. It was actually a really nice trip because it was Sunday and fairly empty, so I sat quietly and watched the world outside pass in a blur.

Once I got to a stationery & such shop, I looked around and found a cute frame with light yellow stars on it. I took it to checkout and asked if the woman could possibly print a picture from my phone. She was such a sweet lady and printed it out for me with no problem. She asked if I would like to write something on the back of it and offered me a pen. I checked my phone for the date of picture and quickly scribbled it in the bottom lefthand corner.

I thought about what to write - words that would mean something to him. The starry picture frame in my hand sparked an idea. I wrote the words down slowly, trying to perfect my usually messy scrawl.

**You are a star in my eyes; you are bright and everlasting**

I put the picture in the frame and realized that he may never actually see what I wrote, but I like the idea of him stumbling upon it one day.

"He's a cute one, honey," the lady said to me with a smile and blushed and nodded. "I hope he treats you right,"

"He does," I said, staring at the picture. She was looking, too. The picture was simple enough, just a closeup of the two of us smiling, but instead of looking at the camera, we were looking at each other. I remember when Phil was taking pictures on my phone and we were posing normally and then Phil looked at me and told me I was beautiful, which made me look at him and he snapped the camera while we were still smiling.

I purchased a small gift bag from the lady and went back to the bus stop. Phil said he would pick me up at the Starbucks across town, so I took a bus to meet him and we had a quick coffee.

Phil drove us back to his house and he helped me settle my stuff into his room (he offered the guest bedroom but we both preferred I share a bed with him) and by settle, I mean that I threw my overnight bag on his floor and took my shoes off.

"I've got something for you," he said to me and handed me a vase of six pink roses. I smelled them and grinned. I love flowers a lot.

"Thank you," I said to him, "They're beautiful." I put them on his beside table and promised to take them home tomorrow.

"I know that red roses are more romantic but these reminded me of our first date when you wore the pink sweater and felt pretty because you were so, so pretty," he explained while staring at me so intently that I nearly lost my balance. I let out a deep breath and blushed.

"Phil," was all I could manage and I stood on the tips of my toes to hug him. I remember how scared he used to make me and it's crazy because now he makes me feel so safe.

"I got you this," I said and gave him the blue gift bag. He smiled and sat on the bed to open it. I sat beside him and watched as he pulled out the picture frame. He looked at it and and looked at me and smile so hard his lip ring moved.

"This is precious, just like you, Dan,"  he said and I actually squealed and flopped back against his bed (which I now feel stupid about but whatever).

The rest of the night was amazing. We cooked pizza and ate ice cream and watched Friends.

Of course, we kissed and messed around, but nothing too explicit, and finally went to sleep in the early hours of the morning.

We woke up around noon and cooked eggs and toast - which had never tasted so good. I showered and left my hair super curly and we just played some video games until I went home in the evening.

Nothing could spoil my mood.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was honestly so fun and sweet to write. I love it with all of my heart. please comment and tell me how you feel about it this story and how you feel in general. stay safe and happy and
> 
>  
> 
> golden


	29. 11 March, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the comments I've been receiving. I appreciate them and you! keep it coming.

11 March, 2016

I kind of hate myself right now.

I don't know why I ever thought this was a good idea.

I just got back from Peej's house (Chris was there, too) and it was a really nice evening. We finished our homework, played video games, and ate snacks that PJ's mum made - she's a chef and is always making new treats for us to try.

The night turned progressively worse when I walked through the front door of my house. I was greeted with my mum and dad standing angrily in front of me. 

I looked behind me, hoping they were waiting for someone else to walk through the door. I wasn't that lucky.

"No, Dan, we're looking at you," my dad said. I didn't know what to say, so I kept my mouth shut lest I would say something to make the situation worse.

My mum reached over to the table beside her and held up my journal. I didn't need a mirror to know that my the color drained from face.

"Is there something you want to tell us, Daniel?" My mother asked. 

"Um, I'm sorry?" I guessed quietly. 

"For what?" Dad asked.

"I don't know," I said. I didn't know what they had read or hadn't read.

"How about, 'I'm sorry for lying to you,' or 'I'm sorry for sneaking out behind your back,' or even 'I'm sorry for not telling you I have a boyfriend and lying to you about it and sneaking out behind your back?'" Mum said. I bit my lip and started tapping my hands against my thigh nervously, repeating the last part shakily.

"Why would you do this, Dan? Do you know how dangerous this is? What if something had happened to you? We wouldn't know where you were or how to find you." Mum said, and I could see she was tearing up, which made me want to cry.

"You're right, completely right. It was a very stupid thing to do." I said, and not just because I thought that was what they wanted to hear.

"Why did you feel the need to hide this anyway? Especially after your mother and I told you we were completely fine and happy with your sexuality." My dad asked.

"I don't know," I told him.

"No, Dan, I want an answer," he said. I always hated when parents said this because sometimes kids are just stupid and they do things without thinking, without a reason or intention. They don't sit and contemplate 'how can I make my parents angry at me because I want to be a complicated and immature teenager.'

"I wanted to tell you both, I did. And I wasn't worried about the fact that I was dating a boy; I was sure you wouldn't care. But, I thought you would be mad that he was older than me and I care about him too much to lose him." I explained nervously. I hated talking about this more than anything.

"That's foolish, Dan," my mum said. "Why would we care about two years of age? Your father is five years older than me."

"I didn't think about that, I guess." 

"I don't think you thought about anything, Dan." She said. That hurt.

"What hurts me more than the fact that you lied and snuck around, is that you didn't trust me enough to tell me what was going on." She said. I could hear disappointment in her voice. That was a common parental tactic - make your child feel guilty. As well known and obvious as it was, it always worked. I felt my heart sink.

"As punishment, your mum and I have decided to take your phone and laptop and any other Internet privilege you have," he said. I nodded because even though I hated that, there was no sense in arguing. I deserved it.

"Okay, that's fair," I said.

"Oh, that's not it. You're also grounded for two weeks. You're not going anywhere at all unless we are with you and no one is allowed over." He said. I nodded again.

"Except for one night," my mum said. "Because Phil is coming over for dinner so we can meet the boy you're breaking rules for." 

I nodded and tried to keep the smile from lips. As I walked to my room where I would be spending the next two weeks, my mum explained that I was being punished for lying, not for having a boyfriend.

One of the worst feelings in the world is doing something wrong, but having your mum still comfort you. It was enough to make me cry in my room for an hour about how terrible of a person I was.

Tomorrow will be better. Boring, but better.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey you cool cats how are you?  
> are you ready for some conflict? some bumpy patches? because you're getting it.
> 
> comment x


	30. 14 March, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> naughty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i had this planned, but I accidentally left it out when I wrote the last chapter so I just put it in this one (it's the explanation behind why Dan's mum read his journal)
> 
> I am an amateur and I am sorry

14 March, 2016

It's so weird to have my journal at school, but with no phone, I need something to make myself look busy. I'm actually so glad mum let me keep my journal because despite initially hating this, I find it very therapeutic. She said as long as I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be doing, then I won't be writing anything bad and she won't read it again - which she actually told me that she was cleaning my room and picked up my journal to dust my desk and the only reason she read this was because something fell out (I'm guessing the lollipop wrapper from one that Phil and I shared) and she went to put back it in the right page and just kind of saw what I had written and then kept reading because she was worried.

I don't exactly know if I believe that but she has no reason to lie to me because it's already happened. And she's not the kind of mum to go through my things without good reason - which she never really had before now.

This morning Phil met me at my locker with a worried expression and a thousand questions, all about what happened this weekend. Since mum took my phone and every other form of quick communication, I kind of just disappeared from the Earth for a little while.

Phil explained that he had texted me and messaged me on every social media that existed - besides MySpace, obviously. He also asked if we were okay and if I wanted to break up with him. 

"Whoa, calm down. No, I don't want to break up with you, Phil. My mum and dad found out about us and all of the sneaking around and lying. They took everything and grounded me." I explained. He kissed me so sweetly that my stomach flipped.

"I thought something happened to you and no one knew to contact me." Phil said and it looked like his eyes were watering. I hugged him and told him I was fine.

"So, your parents know, huh?" He asked nervously, hands stuffed down in his pockets. He was trying to regain his cool composure. Despite being taller than me, he looked so small. I wish I would have taken a picture, but I don't think I will ever forget how weird it was for someone as confident and sure as Phil to look scared.

"Yes, they do, and they're okay with it, so long as you treat me right and we don't sneak around anymore." I said, and he almost instantly perked back up.

"They're really cool, Dan. We should've just told them," he said and it's not like I didn't know that. I regret not telling them, and not just because I got caught and got in trouble.

"I know, Phil, but we live and we learn, I guess." I told him and he nodded. I was going to tell him goodbye because my class would be starting soon, but he asked me a question before I could get the words out.

"So, how much do you hate being grounded with no internet?" Honestly, it wasn't the worst thing in the world. It was kind of nice to unplug from all of the drama on social media. It had only been a weekend but I was already spending more time with Abby and my parents and even playing piano more. 

He was smirking at me like he thought it was funny, my being punished and all. And I could probably guess exactly what was going through his head; he had gotten me, good-boy Dan Howell, to break the rules and now I'm in trouble because of him. Well, two could play at the game, I had decided.

"I mean, it gets kind of boring, like you'd think," I started slowly, innocently, but I couldn't contain the surely-not-cool smirk on my face as my heart started racing with what I was about to do to him. "but, you just have to find other ways to busy yourself... I've been spending a lot of time in room... Alone... You can imagine what I've gotten up to, having to entertain myself, and all."

Flirting was no second nature to me, but watching Phil squirm in front of me made it almost effortless to go on.

"As for the punishment, well, I guess I don't mind it," I said slowly, watching him gulp and nod. I grinned and reached on my tiptoes to give him a hug. I wrapped an arm around his neck to keep him close to me. Next to his ear, I whispered, "Honestly, it kind of makes me feel... Naughty."

I could feel his body go rigid and his grip on me tighten. I pecked his cheek, said a too-cheery goodbye, and skipped off to class as if I had no clue of what I had done.

Sitting in my chair now, I'm kind of worried - in an exciting way - about my next class with him because I can only imagine how he will get me back.

When I left him, he was a hot mess and very obviously turned on and it made me feel proud that I had caused that reaction.

There is possibly another janitor's closet in my future.

Signed,  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo yo yo this is cute but you're about to be stabbed 23 times by the roman senate (if you're Julius Caesar or if you're emotionally invested in the book - even it only a little bit)
> 
> et tu, brute?
> 
> roughly translated, that means: comment on this story, please and thank you, friends 
> 
>  
> 
> this is a mess goodbye I love you


	31. 15 March, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3:15 pm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Easter is on Sunday,,, how lovely

15 March, 2016

Today was an Uneventful Tuesday; one of those Days that pass by unnoticed at a regular speed. I did the usual things at the usual times without much thought regarding them. 

These days aren't particularly good nor bad, they simply live up to their name - days. Fillers. Extras. I don't mind these days, I don't think anyone does. There is nothing to get angry about or extremely happy. 

This was how my day was going until the final bell at 3:15 pm. It was fine, really, I wasn't complaining about today being Uneventful, but for some reason things changed and today suddenly became a Surprise Day. 

I hate almost any kind of Surprise Days - the 'Surprise you-thought-today-was-just-going-to-be-chill-but-surprise-you-now-have-plans days' are annoying, even if they're 'Surprise you-were-having-a-boring-day-but-surprise-something-changed-and-now-it-is-a-Good-day.' I don't like my mood to change throughout the day because it messes with the state of my mind. In fact, I find 'Bad-to-Surprise-Good days' to be exhausting. Perhaps the worst of them all are days like today: 'Surprise you-were-having-an-Uneventful-Day-without-much-thought-or-effort-but-Surprise-something-happened-and-now-you-can't-shut-your-brain-off day.'

Phil was supposed to drive me home today and casually meet my parents before dinner on Friday night, but when I walked outside after the last bell, he was no where to be found. I waited by his car for probably fifteen minutes, but when he didn't show, I was left to assume he got detention or had to stay after school. With no phone to contact him, I decided to start the fairly short distance home. 

I didn't need to be in more trouble with my parents and I knew mum would think Phil and I were messing around in a parking lot somewhere. 

Hopefully, Mum would be kind enough to let me use the landline when I get home to ring Phil and tell him he could still come over but I needed to get home.

I walked the rest of the parking lot to the exit (or entrance, I guess) of the school, and I was surprised to see one of the school's jock-types standing alone. His name is Justin and other than sharing Senior English with him, I have never had any form of interaction with him. I know he is friends with Logan and I remember him watching as Logan read my journal out loud, but even then, he didn't interact with me, didn't add to the torture or put an end to it.

I was feeling scared as I looked around and saw no one - no witnesses or protectors. I tried to be calm and tell myself I had no reason to be scared because I had never done anything to him, but then again, I had never done anything to Logan, either.

Maybe he wasn't waiting for me, but he was watching my every move and I suddenly became super anxious. I didn't know anything about Justin, besides that he was taller, older, and stronger than me. He could seriously damage me and I couldn't call anyone for help. 

I was gradually getting closer to him and my breathing was too fast for my lungs to catch up and my heart was beating too quickly and I wanted to run the other direction but I didn't know where Phil was and all of the teachers were surely gone by now and my mum was waiting for me.

As calmly as I could, I walked by him. I was as far as I could be from him and still be on the pavement. 

"Hey, Howell," he said, but it wasn't like a casual thing where you bump into someone at the grocery store; it was the kind of 'hey' that said "Hey, this conversation is intentional and I have something to talk about." It was also very intimidating, but I couldn't tell if that was because he was trying to sound intimidating or because I was already intimidated.

I flinched, despite knowing he was there and carefully said, "Oh, um, hey, Justin?" 

"Hey, are you and Lester still a thing?" He asked me, which came as a shock because 1) why did he care? and 2) why wasn't he beating me to a pulp? Regardless, I was thankful for my limbs.

"Uh, yeah, Phil and I are together," I told him. The heels of my converse were hanging off the edge of the pavement and hovering over the street. He was walking closer to me.

"Where is he? Phil? Is he here?" It was like twenty questions with him and with every question, he stepped closer and made my stomach more queasy.

"Oh, um, y'know, he's in the school," I said, and pointed my finger in the general direction. He followed my arm and looked at the school behind him. Why did he want to know? Did he want to be sure there would be no one to stop him from murdering me?

"Why isn't he taking you home?" He asked, taking another step. And then another. I couldn't possibly move back further without falling in the street.

"Well, he's busy, and I really needed to get home, so actually, I should leave-" I was talking and then I wasn't because he stepped closer again and I fell off the pavement and stepped in the street. He took my arm and pulled me back up and turned me around and walked me backward into the chain link fence that wrapped around the school. This all happened so quickly and all I could do was flinch and squeeze my eyes shut.

"Are you scared of me, Howell? Don't be scared," he said, and I stared for a minute because what was even happening?

"I'm not-" This time he cut me off by kissing me. I had never kissed anyone other than Phil and I didn't know what to do because his kiss was so different. I couldn't tell how his lips felt against mine because he was so rough, and I wasn't used to it. Phil always started out slowly, letting me think and decide if I wanted them there, but Justin wasn't wasting any time. He began biting and licking and pushing instantly and my brain couldn't function quick enough.

I was still trying to process that he wasn't punching me and then everything hit me and I started pushing my hands against his chest because I couldn't pull away, as he had me pinned to the fence. 

He didn't pull away immediately, which I didn't like. He kept trying to win me over by touching my hips but finally, I started pressing so hard my wrists hurt and he let go of me.

I felt lightheaded in a bad way and my mouth hurt. Maybe he should've just punched me.

"What the hell?!" I screamed at him, wiping my mouth. He looked freaked the fuck out, but I didn't care.

"What! What? You're gay, aren't you?" He asked and I stared at him incredulously, my mouth open at everything that was wrong with this entire situation. 

"Well, yeah, but-" I started, rolling my eyes. He cut me off again.

"Then what's the problem, Dan?" He said my name like it tasted bad in his mouth. "I'll still let you bottom. Everyone knows your little twink ass can handle a cock." He was close again, one hand on my hip, reaching it's way to my bum. I jerked away.

"You can't do that!" I shouted at him. Everyone knows I can handle sex? That's funny, considering that I didn't even know this! "I have a boyfriend."

It's not like he didn't know this. I just told him. What was his game?

"And? I mean, you look like the kind of boy to sleep around with any guy that'll put out. Not many people at our school are gay; don't you take what you can get?" He asked, looking at my shocked expression with a smirk. Did I have 'Slut' written across my forehead?

"For your information, I haven't slept with anyone, so whatever I look like, isn't the case," I said with so much salt, you could generously season your chips. "I'm done with this entire thing, Justin. I'm going home." I looked at the parking lot again, trying to spot Phil, but there was nothing, and I couldn't see his car from where I was standing. I turned to walk away, but Justin grabbed my wrist, hard this time.

I briefly wondered if he would kiss me again, but the hateful grip on my arm made me think otherwise. He pulled me back around and my eyes squeezed shut, preparing for a punch. 

"Don't tell anyone," he told me. I opened my eyes and tried to free myself from him, but his grasp never faltered.

"Let me go!" I said loudly, looking around desperately.

"I'm serious, Howell, don't say a word," Justin squeezed my hard tighter and I let out a small sound of pain. His hand held the threat that his mouth didn't speak, but I got the message loud and clear. Finally, I nodded and pulled free. I ran the rest of the way home. 

My arm is still red and you can see a handprint wrapped around my wrist. 

I've tried to call Phil at least five times on the landline, but finally, Mum made give and help with dinner. 

Thinking about it now, I never knew Justin was gay or bi or whatever. He obviously doesn't want anyone to know, which makes me think he's either questioning or uncomfortable with his sexuality. 

Not that I care. After what happened, I don't feel sorry for him. Yeah, he might be confused, but his behavior was not appropriate or acceptable.

I hope Phil is okay. 

Signed,   
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh this is only the beginning
> 
> are you shook? 'cause I am
> 
> pls comment and tell me your thoughts


	32. Not a chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a note for you

Hello guys. I hope you're having a lovely day and if you're out of school on holiday/vacation, I hope you're enjoying summer.

I want to be completely honest with you guys right now, even though we're not close and those who read this story probably don't care. But I care, so here goes.

I'm probably going to put this story on hiatus (again, god, I know) for the summer. The last time I updated seems like ages ago, probably over a month. The last 3 to 4 weeks of school were complete chaos for me. Between prom, exams, final projects, and trying to squeeze in as much time with my friends, who are sadly in the process of leaving the country (3 of them are foreign exchange students, who I have become super close to), there has been no time or energy to write.

School ended a couple of weeks ago and since then, I've been, admittedly, not doing much. But I also have absolutely no routine during the summer because I don't have school as a constant and I can't function enough to write and I also have no motivation or desire to write this story as of now.

The last time I went on hiatus, I staued there for months and during those months (without the pressure to update) I wrong a lot of the story. I then decided to go off of hiatus and continue writing while uploading some prewritten chapters, in hope that if I ever needed a week or two off, I would have enough chapters to still frequently upload. But I become unmotivated, uploaded everything over time, and I had to start writing to update. Which worked for a while, but now I'm back in a rut of never feeling inspired to write.

I promised myself that I would finish this story and then spend time just focusing on one shots and not a chaptered story, but I hate leaving this story unattended with no explanation and I know the right thing to do is probably take a break again.

I don't quite understand why I'm having such a difficult time with this story because I have an outline that explains what each chapter will be about and I honestly do want to finish this story, but again, no desire to write.

But, that's funny because I have so many oneshot - and even some chaptered stories - floating in my head that I really want to write at somepoint. I've been jotting down one shot ideas that I want to get to for the last year and now I have a plethora of small outlines for oneshots.

I actually have a cool idea for a foreign exchange student based fic and even a few ideas (oneshots and chaptered) that involve gang!Phil that I'm constantly thinking about.

I think I could probably handle writing during the school year when I can set a time out of my schedule to write (this works best for me).

So, I'm going to post this and think about it and read any comments that I get and in a couple of days, I will either take this down and try to write and upload or I will go on hiatus.

I really would like your thoughts and opinions.

And honestly, I have a family vacation coming up soon where I will be in the car for 8+ hours and that would be perfect time for me to write. I may end up doing that and having a bunch of chapters ready to upload when I get back.

Even if that doesn't happen, I will be back to writing in August.

I swear I want to finish this story, and I promise that I will. Soon.

leave any suggestions or thoughts you have in the comments. I appreciate all of you who read, give kudos, and comment. Some of the stuff you people say absolutely makes my week. 

See you soon.


End file.
